I spent the night thinking and I'm actually missing alot of people right now. Today's a weird one where people I haven't been contacting for so long suddenly popped out of nowhere. That's love right there guys HAHA. Omg mizz you guys like crazy. It actually made me realize that there are so many people out there that I should be meeting up with instead of cooping myself up thinking of you huh.

Mizz you ying nat xy sophz jared mateenadamlee maha peter kcpboyz k I can't think of anymore names but I'm also really glad for the people that are in my life right now like the lagoonboyz kj etc, and tay and derek who bought me a burberry scent from hk (brolove!) and of course honeyHAM LOL k as you requested!

A big big heart for you guyz <3

Eh matt call me asap pls you last warning sia!
PHOEBE blogged at 1:35 AM

Haha so the only time I blog is when I feel like shit.

Talking to a good friend right now to prevent myself from crying. Hope I don't jinx myself by saying that..... K for now I feel that I fucking love you and you changed for the better so that's a really good start for you :) and it somehow made me reflect on myself: I'm sucha fucking failure for an 18yro. Surprise surprise?

Experience for one, tried being a party animal but the fun stops right there in the club. Then there's no more good in that. I really wanna try everything in life. Just for the sake of satisfying my curiosity. Also cause I could say I've been there done that. But growing older scares me; I don't have much time left to enjoy myself. Maybe that's why I'm unable to focus on anything right now cause I'm in the middle of thinking for the future and letting loose. Indecisive soul self-sigh :( Lolol.
Which brings me to my next point. A friend told me once that I have to make great use of what I have right now. Point being that even if I believe that I'm in the wrong course(regrets like a mafucker) I might as well achieve the best of it. I just can't find the right motivation to strive in excellence for studies. Proven by all the Fs I get in all my cts hahaha. I can't believe I can still think that as a joke..... *pats self on back

Anybody who stumbles upon this blog of rantings are prolly people who are close enough to know the only thing I wanna do in life when I grow up is music. I've said this many many times but I still have to emphasize: I know I'm good, but I don't know if I'm FUCKING GOOD to be able to make it. It's hard living in a country who belittles this path thinking there is no future in whoever is pursuing it. Yup great life I have.
It has been the only thing I could take seriously and let's face it, it's so much easier pursuing something that people can say "wow you're actually good at it". But hey then again I'm fucking 18yro for fuck's sake and have not done anything in life to pursue either, being music or doing exceptionally good in studies. To be honest I'm only in poly so that I could get the diploma and then get the fuck out of school to focus solely on music and music only. Diploma is plan B: something I could fall on when I fail. Sadly, I am not a very confident person.
Then there's plan C: dad's business. I love him so much and I know he's working his ass off to build this factory all over again. Yes I used to be wealthy but trust was put into wrong hands and almost all was gone so all he could do is take what he has left and put it to what hopefully seems has good future. I wanna help him when I'm capable enough, but I want to climb that ladder of success by myself and not depend on my dad. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm useless and I think I would be one helluva good businesswoman(business studies was my first choice hello? Hahaha k it doesn't prove anything but still...) but when the business really takes off before it is going to be handed to me... Hell, I wouldn't want you to look down on me and think I got fed by luck would I? I wanna prove that I could be of good use and that leads back to studies again. Seriously wtf writing this post makes me think of a greater failure that I am. I can't blame anyone but myself for this anyway.

To you: If you look at it this way, we are actually on the same boat. I know you haven't found anything to strive for in life yet, but you will. I'm in no better position than you you see... I don't even have the confidence to believe I can make it and you know I'm no risk-taker. And I should have known better than to doubt our relationship. I meant it when I said I fucking love you.

Okay it seems like my fever has screwed my brain cells and somehow I'm writing gibberish that I think only I can understand lol. 3 days mc to coop myself up at home and self-reflect :) And of course there are projects to be done.....

Will miss you now that you have such little time for me. Who am I kidding? You don't have time for me at all. Ah that's life anyway we don't always get what we want. Bros over hoes are shit btw. Guys who say that rarely meant it. Regardles I'm still gonna wish you were here <3

This post makes me sound like I'm wallowing in self pity but that's better than people pitying me. I need empathy not sympathy. When I fall again will you pick me up like you did the last time?
PHOEBE blogged at 12:40 AM

It has been long... Been long since I felt so happy, been long since I unloaded all the shit, just purely enjoying myself.
I long for those days, when everything seemed so easy and felt that nothing could destroy the moment. Or at least I thought it would last. Don't know what you got til you lose them huh... Yesterday made me realise, I don't think I like you enough to prepare to lose everything to you. Even if it were to ever happen, I would fail you so why bother? Can't possibly expect you to like me since I don't really like myself that much either right? Haha self-respect searching in progress. It might just be a phase to you, but it's rock bottom for me. A part of me wants to fight for a war that would take everything I'm left of right now. Just cause I CAN. Maybe it's cause everyone's misery is really good company. If I can't get what I want then why should you?
But there are some people in life right now that somehow changed a little in me. I don't see the NEED to do that anymore; not necessarily mean I do not want to. Just tired of really going to such great lengths just so that people I really hate fall hard. Hate is a strong word, but it's just cause I loved them once before. Has it really been that long?

Truth is I really missed you.

Sucks when your whole mood depends solely on how one fucking soul is treating you. You get what I mean? Crying over it is easy, moving on and actually dealing with it is the hard part. Amuses me when I know hey, I don't believe in love and all that bullshit, at least not the romantically involved type, but I can't go on a week without crying myself to sleep. Well it makes me doubt myself, resulting in more questions to ask...
What is the purpose in life? Why am I doing so much shit JUST to make others feel better when I can't even help myself? Why can't you help me in return? You just simply can't fucking bother? Or are your priorities lying somewhere else. That's no longer a question. I know the answer. I should know the answer.

Hope fucks your life upside down. Trust me.


Becauseee... We all carry these things inside that no one else can see they hold us down like anchors they drown us out at sea! Hahaha have to see Oli Sykes at least once before I die. So morbid lolol.
PHOEBE blogged at 1:29 AM

HI LIAN. You're coming back in 6days yayyy! Holidays have been so so so boring and I'm counting down the days til I see you hehehehe. Be touched k. I've got so much to update you about........ LIKE DID I TELL YOU I SHAVED MY SIDES? HAHAHA. Okok aren't you supposed to be studying right now???? I know you have crazy packing to do after your exams but look forward to it, it beats studying anytime ^^ Plus you'll get to see us in Singapore! You better make time for us kkkkkk! Hen xiang ni hehehehe (L)
PHOEBE blogged at 9:49 PM

So where do I start now? When exams are just around the corner I have to be stuck with this feeling of pain. Pain everytime I see you. The little hope I get everytime I spend time with you. It's pretty much killing me. After all that we've been through, it's hard to let go. I used to think it was like fate brought us together, but it's not working out well I suppose. And I'm stuck in the middle with choices but I can't get my act together. I have my pride to save, but on the other hand the pain is really, really, ripping my hearts out. My stomach churns and churns at the thought of losing you. Aren't you supposed to be my pillar of strength? The hope is hanging by a small piece of thread. Don't let me think meeting you was a mistake cause that's how I'm starting to feel right now. Looking back it was so much easier not knowing you. But then again you were the one who was there for me when I needed a listening ear most. Where are you now? You just have to come back into my life and destroy it once again don't you? Maybe all I wanted was just to win. I will never ever lose.
Seriously never.
PHOEBE blogged at 1:18 AM

MY MOTIVATION TO BLOG IS DYING. And this space is dead anywayzzz so I am thinking of shutting it down. Like very soooon.
THIS WEEK:
Monday-shopping
Tuesday-Te Deum
Wednesday-SHERILYN SIA AND SF WITH BANGZZZ
Thursday-PW
Friday-CHOMPS!

OH MY FUCKING MUNDANE WEEK. I think the word mundane is mundane....... Hahahahahahahahaha.

I was looking back. It was weird... It doesn't blend right then. Look at us now. Can't wait to grow up. Let's grow old together... Searching for someone I don't even know. That's the worst feeling of a lost sheep in the woods. Do you get me?

Sufang is contagious. I am blabbering. _|_ you blabbering fish with bangzzz.
PHOEBE blogged at 1:36 AM

We all know by now that you're the only thing you talk about
We all know by now that things won’t work out
No, you’ve got nothing to say
And I swore as I left you’d go and fuck someone else,
You whore.
PHOEBE blogged at 10:32 PM